What Futures Will DC Bring Us?

DC have announced that their September event will flash forward each title to five years into the future, so we can see a possible future for each of their characters. Now, this is actually quite interesting for a few characters, because this opens creators up to the opportunity to actually age some of the different superheroes and try something different.
I’m not sure any of it will actually be any good – but here’s are some predictions for what we will see:
Supergirl is stronger than Superman – and given five years to develop further, that strength is only going to grow. As any of you who have a younger sister will know, they only REALLY start to come into their own for dead arms and Chinese burns once they reach about twenty-three or so. And Kara, who arrived on Earth at a far younger age than Clark, is almost certainly going to prove to be THE dominant force on Earth.
She’s also got a bit of a temper tantrum and a thing for weirdly-dressed guys, so you should expect her to be modelling several off-colour tattoos, whilst Rat-Catcher hangs off her arm and smokes cigars. She’ll have taken over Earth, in essence. And why did everybody allow it? Well, because…
Superman and Wonder Woman, having now been proved to have the truest love of all time, will be married and living in Kansas with fifteen children, all of whom have black hair, a curl on their fringe, and the ability to turn into a subhuman demi-god monster.
Married bliss means that Charles Soule and Tony Daniel’s issue of the series during Future-Month will feature twenty-two pages of fishing, rustling up the chickens for Wondy’s organic farm, and perhaps some Spartan wrestling in the backyard.
They’ll all be dead, right? Those guys die at the drop of a hat. No way any of the famous ones will still be around. All the current Green Lanterns will have conked it in the last five years, leaving Ch’p in charge of the corps. Their mission has shifted SLIGHTLY over the years, however, and their new modus operandi sees them focuses on finding nuts and storing them across Mogo, ready for Winter.
Superboy will now have become Superman, and will take over Clark’s series. The series will be about him solving crimes and saving the world from monsters.
In turn, his son will inherit the Superboy title. The series will be about the crippling pressure he’s under to perform to the same standard as his famous dad and granddad.
With Superman and Wonder Woman now retired from crime-fighting, Greg Pak finally gets the go-ahead to write a comic entirely about centaur wars.
Over in Suicide Squad, Amanda Waller will find herself unable to refuse the call of McDonalds, especially once they announce that the McRib will be made available every day of the year. Taking a year supply of the precious food with her, she will travel to Nanda Parbat, and learn the ways of the secret sauce. Emerging, a changed woman, after years in the darkest caves of mankind, she will reveal herself as THE WALL.
And boy is she angry!
Now moved onto his eighth sidekick, Batman tries hiring on the singer best known for her electropop as he tries to combat crime using fat beats. After putting a donk on the Batmobile, the pair will ride out into Gotham to see if they can disable criminals with elements of funk, electronica, or dubstep.
You see what I did there? Not very clever, but to be honest that’s mainly because I’m not a very clever person.
Having long ago realised that he looked silly in a hoodie, and that nobody would serve him at restaurants, Jason Todd decides to go clean up his image a bit and invest in a series of lovely, lovely sweaters. After a nice shave and a neat new haircut, he goes out on the town, solves some murders, and looks absolutely smashing as he does it.
Meanwhile, Starfire and Roy Harper get married or whatever, I don’t really know who either of them are but let’s just assume they get married.

Lordy, it took you long enough, Tom


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