“The Goat has been the MVP of Quantum and Woody – and maybe all of Valiant – when it comes to piquing interest and curiosity in new readers,” said James Asmus, writer of Quantum and Woody. “I have no doubt that having to enter the convention by walking beneath the realistic under-side of a giant goat will have lots of new comic fans asking ‘What the [expletive of choice] is this about?‘”
“For whatever reason, the fans just can’t get enough Goat. We finally gave in and gave them the Goat #0 origin issue, but that just made it worse. We’ve got dozens of people showing up to our offices each day. They’re getting tattoos. They’re legally changing their names to ‘Vincent Van Goat,” said Valiant Publisher Fred Pierce.
“We’re mystified, but we figured, hey, bigger is better right? Hence, the world’s largest freestanding goat was born. Or, rather, will be built. At minimal risk to the surrounding populace. We hope,” added Valiant CEO and Chief Creative Officer Dinesh Shamdasani.
“Valiant is doing what?” said Jennifer Martin, Sales Executive for ReedPOP. “Not only do they not have permission to build whatever this thing is, it sounds incredibly reckless. This is ill-advised on multiple levels, not to mention unsafe.”
Under the strict observation of Valiant interns, the volunteer G.O.A.T. squad (the Giant Organizational Assembly Team) will begin work today on the 45 foot tall by 25 foot wide effigy dedicated to the greatness of the world’s worst superhero team and their square-pupiled partner-in-crime. A standard size representation of Quantum and Woody, with accompanying banana, will also be provided for scale.
But Quantum and Woody fans rejoice – Valiant isn’t stopping there! Not only will the sculpture qualify as the largest goat ever erected in the history of human civilization, but it will also double as a fully functioning piñata to be stuffed with comics, candy, fireworks…and even smaller goat piñatas. To be constructed with materials including discount-quality chicken wire, pipefittings, and kerosene-soaked human hair, Valiant’s project managers expect the project to be completed in just under three weeks with a minimal loss of human life.
The record-setting goat will be displayed for all three days of C2E2, culminating with Sunday’s “Valiant First Piñata Party,” during which attending fans will be equipped with official Goat bludgeoning rods. The first fan to successfully penetrate the artificial beast’s incredibly flammable hide and unearth the goodies inside will be offered up in tribute to the gods of retailer ordering practices.
Parking is expected to be difficult. In the event of lightning, maintain a minimum safe distance and shelter in place.